Naxxramas the theme park

Tamarind generously offered to give people some interesting subjects to write about a few days ago, and upon expressing interest in participating, I got tagged with something particularly bizarre:

I’m a goblin real estate investor (no, really I am) and I’m looking at the current raid dungeons, possibly with a view to turning one of them into the ultimate holiday destination or, perhaps, even a theme park. Which do you think would be my best bet, I’m willing to renovate as necessary…

Subsequently I gave this much more thought than any sane person should and came to the conclusion that no raid would really cut it "just" as a holiday destination, but I could see one being turned into a theme park. After considering all the WOTLK raids as potential candidates, I came to the conclusion that your best bet would be... Naxxramas!

I still remember the time I was standing in Noth's room with someone and we were contemplating who had done the interior decorating, what with all these curtains that were kinda shaped like skulls. It's all kind of borderline silly more than scary, which means that you won't actually have to do much redecorating to turn the place into something akin to one of those haunted house things at fun fairs - only better of course.

While thinking about it some more (oh god I can't stop now) it even ocurred to me that you could keep most of the bosses as well if you only pacified them a little - they'd make for some great fun events.

You start off in the spider wing by riding a big bug in circles, woo! Next you get to watch Faerlina and the Worshippers perform on stage, before having some fun with a big spider that hurls you around the room. Look Mum, I can fly! And now I'm glued to the wall...

In the plague wing, Noth doesn't really make for great entertainment even when you fight him, but he could probably sell drinks or work as a host. "Rise my customers, rise and ride once more!" Heigan is a no-brainer: fun in the dance studio! And Loatheb offers some entertainment for the little ones as they bounce his spores around and make them explode.

The construct quarter offers plenty of big and fluffy abominations to run around and cuddle the customers. Hey, it works for Disney World, right? If you survive a hug from Patchwerk, you get a free slime lollipop. The fun game of Frogger doesn't even need any adjustments. Grobbulus offers a misty maze of green poison clouds to navigate through... can you make it to the end before you choke? Gluth would be the equivalent of a petting zoo, and Thaddius offers a challenging game of follow-the-lights, if you pick the wrong side you'll be punished by being hit with a slight electric charge. Not enough to kill anyone though, if they made it this far they deserve a bit of a break.

The military wing offers you a chance to practice sword training with Instructor Razuvious, or put your charisma to the test by trying to convince one of his understudies to pinch his butt so you can watch them get slapped around. Gothic the Harvester offers an impressive light show, and the Four Horsemen display their horsemanship by hurling meteors around from horseback and leaping over funny circles on the floor.

I'm a bit unsure about what to do with the frostwyrm lair... a big boney dragon is freaking cool, but what do you do with it? Maybe you could just have Sapphiron fall to pieces and reassemble himself continuously, everyone always seemed to agree that that was the best part of the fight.

And finally, old KT offers a grand show that reminds you once again of all the best parts of the raidpark, huggable abominations, funny bugs and funky circles on the floor all at once! Enjoy it before he frost blasts you into oblivion.


  1. Noth is absolutely win in this park.

  2. True, Naxx is really a theme park. Being so puggable (and easy now thanks to current gear level) plus the four themed wings also help to get you the sensation you're on a theme park like Disneyworld or so, although it's more close to Futureworld http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074559/
    Sapphiron's lair is easy: like Disney on Ice you get Big Bony Dragon on Ice.

  3. You just suspend Sapphiron from strings on the ceiling like an exhibit in a Natural History Museum. When I was a small Tamarind, dinosaur skeletons used to get me incredibly excited. Oh, who I am kidding, they still do..

    And *see* this topic made perfect sense :)

    And you're so right, Naxx is totally the perfect theme park.

    *applause* *bravo*

    Thank you kindly for the entertainment :)

  4. Sapphiron? Easy. Bucket of glue and here you go with your brand new 3D puzzle! Everyone loves doing puzzles, amirite?

    *goes back to assembling his bone dragon*